Unsure

As most of you know, I have been dealing with or managing (or whatever you would say to make the phrase less awkward) depression. It is one of those things that I feel like comes in waves. I have these moments and time periods when I feel good. I feel like the proverbial "dark cloud" is far away and it is easier to manage. And then there are those times... The times I dread. The dark cloud is hovering, looming. It's reality. I can't really describe to you how it feels. It reminds me of when cold weather is moving in. You feel the wind blowing, there's a chill, the air feels crisper. Then all of a sudden its snowing. And I feel overwhelmed.

I know part of this is stress and anxiety. I know that one always contributes to the other. I know that God is bigger than this. I have said more than once that I see the light at the end of the tunnel with all of this. The truth is, the waves come and go. Some days are good, some are terrible.

I have no real answer. Or question for that matter. I feel like I have mulled through the things I felt were the cause of the initial onset of depression pretty thoroughly. The past is the past. I am good with that. I am rambling. Just keep me in your prayers friends.

Random

- The American Idol contestants aren't very good this year

- I bought couch pillows and covers this week, my living room no longer looks like the 80's barfed everywhere

- I have a new co-worker and I really like her so far

- I think I will go back to being a brunette, blonde hair is expensive

- I love cold weather a lot, best week ever

- I have started looking at grad schools, but I still can't decide what I should go to grad school for

- I am a bad American, I am so ready for the Olympics to be over

- I really really hate AT&T commercials

-This post has WAY too many "I"s in it

- Law and Order: SVU freaked me out again, hence this blog post

-Night night dolls

weary

Today it snowed in Austin. It was SO pretty. Big fluffy snowflakes of loveliness. I didn't enjoy driving all the way downtown at 7am to go to training but the snow was glorious :)

I have been really missing my tribe recently. After a long day, I don't think that I realized how much my best friends heal and encourage me. Just to be around the people who know me and love me in spite of knowing me sometimes :) I love my new friends here in Austin a lot. They are fantastic in fact. I love the community that is building and forming around me. I am excited about the prospect of growing those friendships.

But on a day like today, I really just want to be with the people whom I love more than most. I miss you friends. I miss you a lot.

Taco Smell.

I think Taco Bell gave me food poisoning. I hate you Taco Bell.

When I don't feel good, I always miss my mom and my friends. So, peeps know that are being missed especially tonight. If Allye or Racheal, my nurse amigas were here they would know what to do :)

If you thought I got tired of Mexican food before, buckle up. After tonight, I may never partake of such food again. Just the thought is making me nauseous again.

On another (less vomit-like) note, work is getting better. Thanks for praying. God has been really present as of recent. I am still keeping my eyes peeled for other oppotunities but God has really started changing my heart in this place. I am finding supernatural gratitude in the strangest moments.

Nighty-Night lovelies.

On Love.

Welp folks, in case you live under a rock I will remind you that today was Valentines Day. Now, normally I am one to try to make the best of this day by smoothing over it and distracting myself.

Honestly, today was the best Valentines Day ever. My sweet little brother Brett showed up with roses and took me to dinner and then we played at Wal-mart until midnight. It was super fun. He also brought me my mom's extra waffle maker. So we made waffles... Also awesome. Then I went to a party with my new church peeps. It is so good to be amongst people that are starting to feel like family.

I am so grateful that the God who loves me and showed me His love through others today. Love never fails. No matter what day of the year it is. But on a day like today, it's just good to be reminded.

Odds and Ends

A few things I forgot to mention:

- I finally framed my Robyn Allison Haiti pictures and the Robyn wall of fame looks quite smashing

- My parents are on the way to visit me! Yay!

- A guy at Bed Bath and Beyond found out I work at At&t and whipped his phone out right there and started asking me questions about it. I almost laughed aloud.

- I love Soma, my new church. I love it more every time I get to hang out with em'

- I loved all the twitters I kept getting from Verge 2010. Here are some of my favs:

• "Every book in the new testament talks about suffering, and yet we act surprised when it happens." - Francis Chan
• "The highest form of love is loving those who have betrayed you...just like Christ" -Francis Chan
• "We define "neighbor" incorrectly. we think of someone like us that lives in our neighborhood." - Dave Gibbons
• "You cannot build a church on consumers" - Hirsch

winter fair in the square

February began this week... it was mostly uneventful. In fact work was excruciatingly slow.

I did get to go to Belton and visit most of my people. (Sorry we missed each other Allye and Sarah!) It was so good to just be around them all again. A couple of people asked me why I came so early because I got the wonderful opportunity to work at the event. Hah. Honestly, I came just to surround myself with my friends. I just wanted to be around them. Just the presence of the people who know me, and whom I know is one of the most healing powerful "God-things" in my life.

As much as I love the people I am meeting in Austin, we're still doing that "getting to know each other" dance. Thank you friends for being yourselves. I needed each of you this Tuesday and it was so so so good to be amongst my tribe. I am grateful and overwhelmed by the love I have for each of you.

In other news, tomorrow is the Super Bowl. I could not honestly care less. But, if your having a get together, let me know. I might come for the queso or something :)